Schatz. Hase. Raubkopie.

…um die neue Liebe schneller ans Laufen zu bringen schreiben wir bei uns selber ab. Irgendwie.

„Vier Monate Single! Ich bin drüber hinweg!“. Mit zwei Schluck ist das Nullfünferhelle den Hals heruntergekippt. Es macht kurz „pling“. Er kramt sein Smartphone aus der Tasche. „Ne, echt jetzt! Die kann mich mal!“, nuschelt er währenddessen. „Ob ich noch an Sie denke? Nein, Quatsch!“. Er streckt mir das iPhone entgegen. Ich sehe eine SMS von Elena: „Sehen wir uns heute noch?“ steht da. Er grinst. „Guck! Das ist die Richtige! Die behalte ich!“

Er schweigt und wischt auf dem Touchscreen herum. „Kann ich das so schreiben?“, fragt er und streckt mir wieder das Handy entgegen: „Zweety! Voll gerne! Bei Dir?“. Ich lege meinen Kopf schief. „Ernsthaft? Wie nennst Du sie denn, bitte?“, frage ich. „Was, Alter?“, pflaumt er zurück. Seine Verflossene hat er auch immer mit „Zweety“ angeredet. Das weiß ich aus den unzähligen SMS, die er mir in der dramatischen Endphase der beiden ständig gezeigt hat.

„Ach, das merkt die doch nicht!“, sagt er. „Bis Du sie Lydia nennst“, sage ich. „Passiert nicht!“, sagt er. „Hoffentlich!“, sage ich. Ich habe ihn aber längst entlarvt. Mein Gegenüber ist ein Plagiator. Ein Beziehungs-Guttenberg. Er schreibt ab. Bei sich selbst und seinem eigenen Knuddel-Ich.

Beziehungsratgeber – diese durchtriebenen Literaturausbeuter – raten dazu, sich zum Anfang einer Beziehung möglichst viele „Unser“s zuzulegen: „Unser Grieche. Unsere Serie. Unser Kino.“ Sowas. Doch die fiesen „Unser“s wollen am Ende nicht mehr gehen. Auch nicht, wenn der andere Teil von „uns“ schon lange flöten ist. Ein halber „unser Grieche“ tut weh. Vor allem, wenn man jeden Tag auf dem Weg zur Arbeit daran vorbei muss. Bei so etwas fangen Menschen an zu weinen.

„Zweety“ hat auch schon einen Neuen. Erzählt er. Er hat die beiden neulich beim Rewe an der Kasse gesehen wie sie den billigen Weißwein gekauft haben. „Den haben wir uns auch immer reingestellt. Grässliches Zeug. Sollen sie dran verrecken!“, schnaubt er. Gott weiß, wie „Zweety“ heute heißt.

Damals war der Kitsch-Modus irgendwie nett (Phase 1), dann nervig (Freundin doof), dann fürchterlich (Freundin weg) und schließlich verschwunden (Single und so). Doch eigentlich war er nur eingefroren: Kosenamen, Toilettentiming und Abendessensrituale (Vor dem Fernseher? In der Küche? Reden? Schweigen?). So etwas hat man sich angewöhnt. So etwas hat sich bewährt. Never change a winning team – auch wenn das Team mittlerweile nicht mehr zusammen ist.

Denn kaum kommt eine Neue um die Ecke,  schon taut der ganze Habitus wieder auf. Die ganzen Hasis, Schatzis, und Hutzis wollen endlich wieder auf die Weide und toben. Und mit einem bisschen Pech packt man sogar den alten „unser Grieche“ wieder aus. Auch wenn die Ex den Anspruch auf all das verwirkt hat – es fühlt sich an wie eine Raubkopie. Nur eben mit einem bisschen mehr Liebe und so. Einen Song herunterladen ist okay. Zweimal ist schon grenzwertig. Und wenn man’s übertreibt hat man den Briefkasten voller Klagen. Oder das Bett ohne Mädchen. Beides macht keinen Spaß. Neuer Kuschel-Kontext. Neues Wording. Darum sollte man sich zumindest bemühen.

„Gib’s zu! Du willst nur den Anschlusstreffer landen!“, werfe ich ihm an den Kopf. Stille. „Ja, vielleicht. Aber ICH bin der glücklichere von uns beiden! Das will ich ihr beweisen!“. Ich überlege, ob ich ihm spontan „Du bist der Hammer! Ich liebe Dich!“ auf die Facebook Pinnwand posten soll und verwerfe den Gedanken wieder. Das wäre irgendwie das falsche Signal. Stattdessen schlage ich vor, den Namen von Neu-„Zweety“ bei der Geburtstagsfeier morgen Abend fallen lassen. Alt-„Zweety“ wird da auch anwesend sein. Er ist begeistert: „Und sag ihr, dass ich das scheiß blaue Kleid nie gemocht habe!“.

Vielleicht ist das mit dem Altlasten-Ausmaß auch ein guter Index für die Qualität einer neuen Liaison: Je weniger „Unser“s man aus dem alten Emotionen-Gepäck braucht damit es fluppt, umso größer die Chance, dass die Neue vielleicht doch die Richtige ist. Mein Gegenüber bekommt eine 10 auf der nach oben offenen Altlasten-Skala. Wer weiß, was er außer dem „Zweety“ noch alles in die neue Knutscherei geschleppt hat.

Sein Handy klingelt wieder. Er beißt sich auf die Lippe. Neu-„Zweety“s Exfreund steht vor der Tür. Sie sehen sich wohl nicht mehr heute.

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