Klick. Klick. Boom: Chronik einer Beziehung 2.0.

Es ist ein warmer Sonntag Abend und ich werde mit „Facebook Orte“ im Cinemaxx am Isar Tor markiert. „Tim war mit Lea* hier: Cinemaxx“, steht dort. Film: „Friends With Benefits“. Im Anschluss ein Bier in der Bar vor der Tür. Nett war’s. Das Treffen zieht allerdings einen ungeplanten Rattenschwanz hinter sich her. Denn bei Lea* handelt es sich um meine Kollegin aus dem Büro. Wir hören immer wieder, dass unsere Haarfarben doch auch beziehungstechnisch ganz gut harmonieren würden. Wir schmunzeln das in der Regel aber souverän weg.

Am nächsten Morgen sehe ich die Kommentare unter meinem Besuch im Kino. „Verliebt?“, lese ich. Auch andere haben sich schon mit einer Liebes-Sensation angefreundet. In der Mittagspause unterhalten wir uns über die Social-Gerüchteküche: „Hast Du’s auch gelesen?“. „Ja, voll lustig, oder?“. Zwanzig Minuten später haben wir uns entschieden: Wir spielen mit. Aber nur online. Die Sache mit den Körperflüssigkeiten ist uns noch nicht ganz geheuer. Außerdem: Auch wenn jemand nachfragt – Klappe halten. Nach der Mittagspause bestätigen wir auf der blauen Plattform unsere Beziehung. Ein Klick. Ein Soziales Experiment. Wir werden sehen. Auf meiner Pinnwand steht: „Tim Wessling ist in einer Beziehung mit…“. Nach zwei Sekunden das erste „Gefällt mir“.

Level 1: Büro.

Natascha* klopft mir unvermittelt auf die Schulter: „Herzlichen Glückwunsch.“ Sie grinst. Ich versuche den richtigen Gesichtsausdruck zu finden und bleibe irgendwo zwischen Zähne-Zeigen und „Danke“-sagen stecken: „Hmmankehm!“. Ich muss noch lockerer werden. Aber die Zündschnur brennt offensichtlich und ich beobachte die Reaktionen an den Schreibtischen um mich herum. Wir ernten viele fragende Blicke, andere steigen voll drauf ein. Allen voran der Chef, der mein Social-Schatzi in regelmäßigen Abständen mit Frage-Attacken löchert. Doch sie bleibt stark. Kein Sterbens-Wörtchen außerhalb digitaler Kommunikation. Das ist mein Mädchen! Ich bin herrlich amüsiert und grinse nach Feierabend wildfremde Menschen an. Wundert sich denn hier keiner, dass wir uns noch nicht wild knutschend in die Küche verzogen haben?

Level 2: Freunde.

Kurze Vorgeschichte: Vor nicht allzu langer Zeit habe ich meinen Lebensmittelpunkt ans andere Ende von Deutschland verlegt. Das ergibt in meinem Fall auch zwei soziale Realitäten. Neue Welt und Alte Welt. Die Alte Welt meldet sich per SMS: „Glückwunsch, alter!“ – Danke! Ich find sie auch echt vorzeigbar! „Sag nicht, du willst jetzt ewig in München bleiben!“ – Ja schon, aber das ist eine andere Geschichte. Ich verfalle spontanen Lach-Anfällen. Ich dachte, die kennen mich? Ich dachte, die fragen vor den Glückwünschen wenigstens mal nach, oder fragen sich, warum sie bisher noch nichts von Tims neuem Glück mitbekommen haben. Erkenntnis des Tages: Was Facebook sagt, ist umso mehr bare Münze, um so weiter man von der Statusmeldung entfernt ist.

Die neue Welt hüllt sich allerdings in Schweigen. Ich muss bis zum Abendessen auf eine Reaktion warten. „Wann stellst Du uns denn Deine Freundin vor?“, fragt mein Mitbewohner. Na, geht doch! Ich drehe meine Nudeln auf und antworte: „Mal schaun!“. Die härteste Prüfung steht mir aber noch bevor: Sie hat die Gestalt meiner besten Freundin und bombardiert mich aus dem fernen Irland mit Nachrichten. Sie wird langsam sauer. Stark bleiben, Tim. Nicht aus der Fassung bringen lassen. Auf Dauer wird das aber schwer: Ich vertröste sie mit „ich erzähl Dir alles. Bald! Versprochen!“


Level 3: Alltag

Am nächsten Abend treffe ich mich mal wieder mit Tanja*. Sie verhält sich komisch. Ein wenig so, als würde sie auf ein Geständnis von mir warten. Ich fahre aber recht locker durch die Konversation – solange sie nicht nachfragt bin ich auf der sicheren Seite. Aber wie zum Geier reagiere ich wenn sie doch fragt? Beim Abschied in der U-Bahn schaut sie dann endlich auf den Boden und atmet durch. „Ich hab Deine Aktualisierungen ausgeblendet“, seufzt sie. Ich tue so, als hätte ich wegen der gerade einfahrenden U-Bahn nichts gehört, nehme sie kurz in den Arm und steige ein. Obwohl die Bahn fast leer ist, ist mir nicht nach Sitzen zumute. Hat sie mir das jetzt abgekauft? War das jetzt ein Erfolg? Ich schüttle meinen Kopf. „Ein verdammter Klick!“, murmle ich vor mich hin. Ein blondes Mädchen auf der Bank blickt verwirrt zu mir hoch. „Geht nicht um Dich“, lächle ich. Jetzt ist sie vollkommen perplex.

Eine halbe Stunde später – ich habe den Laptop im Bett noch aufgeklappt – blinkt das Chat-Fenster. Es erwartet mich ein Zwischenstand aus 600 Km Entfernung: „Ich wusste schon immer, dass Du sie ganz cool findest! Aber hier gibt’s ein paar Leute die meinen, dass Du es nur wegen Deiner Ex machst.“ Aha? Aber immerhin: Die Diskussion ist im Gange. Ich muss rausfinden, in wie vielen Cafés, wo, wie und wie intensiv darüber gequatscht wird. Ich hake recht unelegant nach: „Ja, und… was redet ihr da so?“. Die Antwort bleibt aus. Sowieso habe ich das Gefühl, dass es ein wenig still geworden ist. Ich muss nachlegen und poste ein paar Liebes-Attacken auf ihrem Profil. Sie antwortet postwendend. Die Zahl vor dem kleinen blauen Daumen wird immer größer. Na, bitte!

Es ist aus!

Tage später. Ich sitze an dem Schreibtisch meiner Freundin 2.0 und diskutiere über das aktuelle LaFee Album. Jemand läuft kichernd an uns vorbei. „Ihr Zwei… hihi!“. Wir grinsen hinterher. Dann schaut sie mich an und sagt: „Ich mach dann heute irgendwann mal Schluss, okay?“. Ich muss schlucken. Warum nervt mich das jetzt so an – und warum fühle ich mich so unter Druck gesetzt? „Ja, okay!“ antworte ich, drücke ein gequältes Lächeln heraus, drehe mich um und gehe. „Oder willst Du’s noch mal versuchen?“, ruft sie mir hinterher. Ich möchte nur noch nuscheln: „Nö…“. Man hat mir gerade das Herz gebrochen. Digital. Liebeskummer 2.0. Na, toll. Das kann doch jetzt nicht wahr sein, oder?

Irgendwann am Nachmittag erscheint es dann auf meiner Pinnwand. „Tim ist nicht mehr in einer Beziehung“. Jemand drückt „Gefällt mir“. Ich werde sauer. Ein bisschen mehr Mitleid, bitte! Ich klicke im Sekunden-Takt auf „Aktualisieren“. Doch es herrscht nichts als digitale Stille. Wo ist das scheiss Netzwerk, wenn man es mal braucht? Mein Handy summt. Auf dem Display erscheint: „Hey Kumpel! Wenn Du jemanden zum Reden brauchst – ruf an!“. Na geht doch! Ich tippe seine Nummer in das Ziffern-Feld. Es wird Zeit, die Scherben zusammen zu kehren.

*Namen sind rein fiktiv! Ähnlichkeiten zu echten Personen sind rein zufällig!

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